The Nutcracker
by Akari Kou
Summary: Rukia, Renji and Ichigo go on a date. Someone should have warned them that there was no way in hell this could result in anything but chaos and mayhem. One-Shot written according to a prompt challenge. Ichi/Ruki/Renji.


**Date**: 19.08.2009 (at least over here it's still on time!)  
**Prompt**: Rukia/Renji, "Date", "shenanigans", "Ichigo" and, uh, "watching their kid", I guess.  
Written for Sara as a birthday present  
**Rating**: T for slightly potty mouths  
**Word Count**: no idea  
**Warning:** Mild coarse language, shenanigans

Please to be notifying me of glaring mistakes. Thank you.

..

**~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The Nutcracker ~ ~ ~ ~ ~**

"Renji."

.

_"Ah."_

_.  
_

"Are you sure Rukia's just gone to the bathroom?"

.

_"No, I'm not. I mean, she hasn't. At least I hope so."_

_.  
_

"Are you **kidding **me?"

.

_"Nope, not at all. In fact, I **hope **she's currently blowing shit up with Sode no Shirayuki, and if you weren't as retarded as you seem to be you'd agree with me on this, Kurosaki. It's in our best interest she's blowing off steam."_

_.  
_

"I don't see why she should have to. Do you think she is being sick because of your outfit?"

.

_"Eh, what's wrong with it? Especially since **you **were the one to suggest it?"_

_.  
_

"I said 'suit', not 'hideous white bejeweled polyestered atrocity'. You're not Elvis and you have the worst damn taste in clothes and you're always a couple of years too late with your choice of fashion, Abarai!"

.

_"So you admit you did this on purpose, asshole? God, if I could draw Zabimaru in here I would …"_

_.  
_

"Shut the hell up! You brought this upon yourself. You know better than to trust Urahara on things like this. Besides, since all this is your fault anyway, you have no right to complain!"

.

_"Oh, no, don't you go blaming me! It was __**Rukia's** generosity to let you tag along. After all, kids like you shouldn't be left home alone, you could've seriously wrecked—"_

_.  
_

*PUNCH*

.

_"Ow!" *SLAP*_

.

"Missed, haa haa! Anyway, either one of you can have credit, because this is the worst fucking sick idea ever generated by a living soul. I've half a mind to go home!"

.

"_No you're not. You're not going to let **me **face the consequences of whatever __**you **have messed up."_

.

"You mean what **you **messed up?"_ ***fake squeaky voice***_ "Ooooh, Ichigo, my dear Ichigo, please don't leave me alone in the face of Rukia's deadly frown, help me, heeeelp – "

.

_*PUNCH*_

.

"Ow!"

.

_"__**You** messed it up, Strawberry Wonder!"_

_.  
_

"**You**did, pea-brain!"

.

_"Did **not**!"_

_.  
_

"Did **too**. You and your epically **stupid **choice of movie! Who would pick SAW for an occasion like that?"

.

_"Did **not**. Bah, Rukia can handle a bit of blood. We're in the military, man, and she's a damn good soldier. You people treat her as if she might break at any given point."_

_.  
_

"It's a SPLATTER movie and this is a DATE, mophead. You don't pick splatter movies for dates. You pick GIRL STUFF. Sandra Bullock. Babies. Kittens. Bunnies. Is that so hard to comprehend?"

.

_"Bunnies. I see. Is that why you had to drag us into the Tapas Bar for food, oh mastermind?"_

.

**_*sulkily*_** "How would I know that 'conejo' means rabbit? Do I look like I speak Spanish?"

.

_"Not at all, I'm wondering you're able to manage Japanese at all."_

.

*THUMP*

.

_"Ow. Hitting me won't change anything. It just goes to show that you don't know Rukia **at all**. Otherwise you wouldn't actually believe she'd eat anything she's not familiar with without asking what it is. Rabbit, my ass!"_

_.  
_

"Well, your offering to take it and horfing down the whole dish didn't help at all!"

.

_"So? She didn't want it, so why waste food?"_

_.  
_

"Because you still **ate rabbit**, moron!"

.

_"I'm **not**__ a moron and that was still no call for kicking my chair."_

_.  
_

"You **are**and **that **was no call for kicking my shin."

.

_"And __**that** was no call to kick the table top."_

_.  
_

"Huh. I'd been aiming for your kneecaps."

.

_"Well, congratulations for the most uncoordinated hakuda move ever witnessed in Shinigami history. You get extra points for hitting the barkeeper with the salad bowl."_

_.  
_

"That bowl was meant for you as well."

.

_"Just what is your problem, dandelion head?"_

_.  
_

"Funny you should ask. It's you, of course!"

.

_"Oh yeah? Well, good news, I can help you with that. We go outside and I __**Higa Zekkou** your ass into the next century. Problem solved, eh?"_

_.  
_

"That's one hell of an idea, except that you're going to be the one who's about to get your ass whipped. It's been a while since Zangetsu had a chance to play."

.

_***fading*** "Fine. Any last words, Kurosaki?"_

_.  
_

**_*fading*_** "Die, Abarai!"

.

**_*fading*_** "Not on your life, I ain't --"

.

**_*fading*_ **"-- **and** if I wallop you that should take care of your Elvis suit as well--"

.

_"..." *CLANG*_

_.  
_

"..." *BANG*

.

"..."

.

**_*fade out*_**

**_

* * *

_**

A/N: Yeah. That's exactly how it'd go. May it never happen...

Constructive criticism is love.**_  
_**


End file.
